


Sex Education

by Squiggle_giggle



Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: Crack, Domestic Ian Gallagher/Mickey Milkovich, Education, Established Relationship, Father-Son Relationship, Funny, Gay Sex, M/M, Married Ian Gallagher/Mickey Milkovich, Parenthood, Parents Ian Gallagher/Mickey Milkovich, Questions, STD, STI, Sex, Sex Education, The Talk, dental dam, learning, parenting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-26
Updated: 2021-01-07
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:14:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,965
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28337544
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Squiggle_giggle/pseuds/Squiggle_giggle
Summary: “For fuck sake Mick, when a kid has questions about sex you answer them, not show them fucking porn!”Yevgeny has questions about sex and Mickey and Ian have very different ideas on how to give 'The Talk'
Relationships: Ian Gallagher/Mickey Milkovich
Comments: 20
Kudos: 162





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Merry Christmas.  
> So here is a Christmas present to you all, my Christmas was a bit lonely and boring so I hope you all had an amazing time and I can not wait for this year to end!  
> Love you all

Mickey was kicking back on the couch, bag of chips in hand with a beer in the other as he watched Under Siege, indulging in his Steven Segal fantasy after a long day of work. He took a swig of his drink when he noticed his son walk into the lounge room, standing awkwardly by the door. Yevgeny took a step into the room before walking out then with faux confidence strode to stand in front of his father looking at him, trepidation painfully clear on his face.

“The fuck’s wrong with you?” Mickey asked, sipping his beer as he scrutinized his son’s appearance, “you break something?”

“No.”

“You did, didn't you? Did you break the PlayStation Controller again because I swear to fucking God Yev-“

“I didn't break anything!” Yev shouted defensively.

“So, what's up?” Mickey asked skeptically, pausing his movie as his son sat down next to him with a serious expression. He wrung his hands nervously before looking up at his father.

“So, there’s this girl I like.”

“Oh, Jesus fucking Christ, kill me now,” Mickey muttered under his breath, Yev socked him in the shoulder.

“This is important!” Yevgeny said defensively.

“Alright,” Mickey groaned tiredly, turning to his son to give his full attention though he felt this conversation was going to be awkward as fuck for the both of them. “So, you like her?”

“Yeah, she's cool, she likes heavy metal, has piercings, she's funny, has this style that’s completely different to every other girl at my school. Everyone else says she's kind of a bitch but I dunno, I like it. Is that weird?”

“No,” Mickey chuckled fondly, wrapping an arm around his son’s shoulder, “your dad assaulted me with a tyre iron when we were younger and that was only the beginning. Us Milkovich’s, we like our partners feisty.”

“Yeah, you and dad are always fighting,” Yev said as he rolled his eyes.

“Aye, we ain't fighting. He’s just a moron and I'm right, he needs to be reminded of that,” Yev rolled his eyes again. “So, this girl? You fuck her yet?”

“Dad!” Yev gasped scandalized.

“What? She’s not fucking pregnant, is she? I can barely afford to feed you, I can’t support some preggo hood rat too” Mickey sighed at the thought, he tipped back his beer and… great his beer was empty. He was going to need more alcohol to deal with this conversation.

“No, she’s not pregnant! Will you listen?” Yev said in frustration. “we’ve been out a few times and we’re gonna go to the movies-

“Sit right at the back and take a big jacket-“

“Shut up!” Yev warned. “I'm nervous ok? I don’t know if she expects more from me or what she wants from me. What did you do at my age?”

“What are you 10,11?”

“14.”

“14? Fuck ok,” Mickey laughed, “well 14-year-old me lived a very different life to you. Terry constantly had hookers and whores over at the house for as long as I can remember, when we went on ‘runs’ with him we would meet up with his business partners who also had their sluts to keep them entertained. You didn't get much say in what went down and had to take it or be branded a little bitch, never fucking enjoyed it.”

“So, you don’t enjoy it? Any of it?” Yev asked in confusion.

“Back then, no. Now, I love it, can’t get enough.”

“Ew,” Yev said, making a disgusted face.

“You asked man,” Mickey chuckled.

“So… like, what do you do?” Yev asked, looking up at his father imploringly. Mickey sighed, getting up and getting himself another beer from the fridge, feeling it would be required for the conversation.

“You just put it in, it’s not fucking rocket science man,” Mickey said uncapping his beer and draining half the bottle in one go.

“But, where do you put it?” Yev asked, leaning back on the couch, thinking.

“What do you mean where? The cock goes in the hole, done.”

“What if it doesn’t fit?” Yev asked, looking at Mickey like he held all the answers. Scratching his eyebrow, Mickey grabbed his phone out of his pocket and opened up Google as an idea came to him, it wasn't the brightest idea he’s ever had but it would be a lot easier with pictures than if he tried to explain it.

“Alright, normally I wouldn’t bother with Pornhub because it has the most boring vanilla shit on there but I suppose it will have to do,” Mickey said, sitting down next to the teen as he scrolled through the feed looking for a basic video that he could use to further explain his point to Yev. The titles of the videos had Mickey cringing, “some of these names man, like ‘Step mon seduces big cock stepson’, ‘Sexy Stepsisters get it on’ who fucking knew incest was such a turn on-”

“What the fuck?” Mickey and Yev look up to see Ian standing in the kitchen placing bags of groceries on the island bench, looking at them in confusion and mild horror.

“Hey dad, didn't hear you come in,” Yev said, glancing at him before trying to look at Mickey’s screen.

“Yevgeny, do not look at that phone!” Ian said pointedly, striding into the lounge room and snatching the phone out of his husband’s hand, looking at it in horror when he saw the vulgar images on the screen. “Mickey what the fuck!”

“Dad’s showing me what to do if your dick doesn’t fit,” Yev said, as though the explanation made complete sense.

“What?” Ian snapped. Shaking his head, Ian massaged his temples as he huffed, “Yev go to your room.”

“But I didn't do anything!”

“Now,” Ian instructed, pointing in the general direction of his room. Yev grumbled under his breath but did as he was told when they heard the door closed, Ian threw the phone hard at Mickey’s chest. “What the fuck Mick!”

“What?”

“What do you mean what? I come home from the store and find you watching porn with our son! You want him to be taken by DCFS? You couldn’t think of literally anything else to do with him?”

“Aye fuck you,” Mickey says defensively, “he asked me what to do with a girl so I was showing him.”

“For fuck sake Mick, when a kid has questions about sex you answer them, not show them fucking porn.”

“It’s what my dad did.”

“You're taking parenting tips for Terry Milkovich now?” Ian asked, turning on his heel and going to put away the groceries in the kitchen, Mickey following after him.

“You want him to go to Svetlana for advice? If he asked her anything, she’ll just call someone over and give him a live demonstration!” Mickey groused, taking the bottle of vodka out of the freezer and pouring himself a shot, glaring at the other man as he shouldered him out of the way to put something in the fridge.

“In the last 14 years, you didn't prepare for this? Didn't pick up a book? Oh, that’s right, maybe if you actually knew how to read, you would understand. Not ‘look at these squiggle dings all over this piece of paper’,” Ian mocked in his best yokel voice, to which Mickey flipped him off.

“Fuck you, what do you want me to do? By his age, I already fucked half the neighbourhood girls and Terry’s sluts forced themselves onto me and no one fucking told me what to do! Only thing I had to go by was my brothers cum stain skin mags, old VHS tapes and whatever shit I walked in on over the years, the kid’s got it fucking easy,” Mickey grunted, pulling out a cigarette from his pocket, placing it to his lips and lighting it.

“Really?” Ian quirked an eyebrow, Mickey staring back at him with a matching expression.

“Don’t act so fucking innocent, you were with that pedo, he couldn’t have been your first.”

“I was 15 and Kash was the first,” Ian told him, Mickey chuckling muttering ‘virgin’ to himself. “Lip got Karen Jackson to blow me in her dining room and her dad chased me out of the house.”

“No shit?”

“Yeah,” Ian laughed at the memory, “but I had Lip to go to if I had questions. Frank or Monica never sat me down and gave me ‘The Talk’. It would have been nice to have some background knowledge on things, I didn't even know what an STI was until Caleb asked me to get tested.”

“Fuck Caleb,” Mickey grumbled, pouring himself another drink at the mention of his husband’s ex-boyfriend.

“I'm serious Mick,” Ian said, taking the glass from his hand and wrapping an arm around his waist.

“I don’t want that for Yev. I want him to be informed, to come to us and feel comfortable to ask us these questions. Respect his partners and not force or be forced into something he isn’t ready for like I was.”

“Fuck,” Mickey sighed in exhaustion, resting his head on his husband’s chest. “this is gonna be awkward as fuck.”

“Yep.”

* * *

15 minutes later, Ian was sitting at the head of the dining table with Yev and Mickey sat either side of him, Yev looking between his fathers curiously.

“Am I in trouble?”

“No, your father is but you're not,” Ian explained, Mickey rolled his eyes, flicking the ash of his cigarette in the tray as he stared at the other man. “So Yev, I know you have some questions. Is there anything that they didn't cover in school that you're unsure about or just things, in general, you want to ask?”

“They just showed a ten-minute video in gym class on the human body and that was it, it was weirdly religious-based too. Condemned us to hell if we had sex before marriage.”

“Ha,” Mickey chuckled to himself, “you have two gay dads, your mom… does what she does, when you were a baby, we used to use you to smuggle drugs into the prison when I was locked up. Dude, you're already going to hell, premarital sex or not.”

“Would you shut up?” Ian asked, tired of the other man’s antic’s already, “alright, so the school’s video wasn't that great but what do want to know?”

“I dunno, there are so many things.”

“Oh Jesus,” Mickey muttered, ashing out his cigarette and leaning back in his chair, resting his feet on the table which Ian immediately smacked down.

“Like, does it hurt?”

“Only if I want it to- fuck, ow!” Mickey cried as Ian kicked him hard in the shin, the brunette grabbed his leg and rubbed it soothingly. Ian turned to his son and ignored the other man.

“It depends,” Ian explained, “not normally for the guy. In your case, sex with a girl, it can be painful for them especially at the start when you're new and inexperienced. It can be uncomfortable but it shouldn’t be extremely so, just go slow and listen to each other.”

“So, do I need anything, for sex?”

“Well, with any new partner, condoms- “

“Condoms, ha,” Mickey giggled into his drink.

“Mickey for fuck sake, if you can’t be mature enough for this conversation, I will kick your ass out of this room,” Ian warned, Mickey held a hand up in surrender, remaining silent, “anyway, so condoms help prevent against STI’s, you know what they are?”

“Mostly? Like herpes and stuff, right?”

“’ The Clap’ is fucking horrendous, felt like my dick was on fire,” Mickey muttered, taking to tracing the patterns in the grain of the wood of the table. Ian stared at him curiously, wondering when he had that but shook his head and focused on the teen.

“Yeah, good Yev. Condoms also help prevent pregnancy, there are other methods too. Women can take the birth control pill, which also comes in an injection form, or there is a device called an Implanon which is placed in the arm or an IUD where it is inserted inside the woman but I think if this something you want to go through with, condoms or a dental dam is the easiest thing to use and for you to be responsible for.”

“What the fuck is a dental dam?” Mickey asked, genuinely curious.

“How did you not get more people pregnant?” Ian asked, looking at his husband, Mickey shrugged and gave his best ‘I don’t know’ expression. Curiosity getting the best of him, Mickey pulled out his phone and did a quick google search, giggling immaturely at the pictures that appeared.

“Haha, used for anal, vaginal or oral sex,” Mickey read aloud, reading the website’s description of their product. “fucking hell, imagine putting one of these on your face and trying to suck someone’s dick. Haha, I'm totally fucking buying it, look like fucking Spiderman trying to suck you off.”

“Dad!” Yev shouted, his face screwing up in disgust.

“Are you still here? How haven’t you run away in fear yet?” Mickey asked, looking down at this phone. “Oh, a rainbow pack, add to cart.”

“Oh my God,” Ian groaned, massaging his temples. “you know, when I prepared to give ‘The Talk’, I didn't realize I would have to educate my husband just as much as the kid. The dental dam goes on the person receiving, Mick, you don’t wear it like a fucking Halloween mask. It’s a barrier, stops skin to skin contact, you get the picture here?”

“Oh, strawberry flavored ones. I know how much you like that expensive strawberry shit.”

“Moving on!” Ian ground out, irritated as he continued to hear ‘pings’ as Mickey added various items to his online order. 

“Ok,” Yev said, thinking, “how do I prepare? Like do I shave?”

“Shut up Mickey.”

“I didn't say anything!”

“You were about to,” Ian side-eyed him, then returned to Yev. “No Yev. You don’t have to do any of that, it’s probably better if you didn't. Just make sure you are showered beforehand, maybe some cologne.”

“Do you talk during sex?”

“Ian never fucking shuts up,” Mickey complained, still scrolling through his phone, “talking about whatever pops into his goddam head. The groceries, utilities, work- “

“Really?” Yev asked curiously.

“Can you not talk about _our_ sex life?” Ian reprimanded; Mickey rolled his eyes. “don’t overthink it Yev. All the parenting books probably advise against me saying this but sex should be fun. Something you do with someone you love, something that both parties agree upon and that you both have a good time together.”

“Ok, thanks. So, if we’re having fun, being safe and using condoms, she’s not going to get pregnant right?”

“Well, no,” Ian corrected, “condoms are only 99% effective. The only way to guarantee she won't get pregnant is abstinence.”

“Like that’s gonna happen,” Mickey muttered under his breath.

“You know how a woman falls pregnant right?” Ian asked.

“Yeah, the guy and girl have sex and the baby comes along 9 months later,” Yev explained. Ian hummed; it was a very primitive explanation. Ian rounded on his husband and raised an eyebrow.

“Oh, for fuck sake, I made him, didn't I?” Mickey said defensively, gesticulating to the teen. “What makes you think you're so smart, huh?”

“I'm an EMT, dumbass. I had to study this and I use this information on a daily basis, so I think I'm more educated than you on this subject.”

“Whatever,” Mickey grumbled, “it’s what Yev said. Dicks and vaginas, the whole shebang, literally.”

“Woo sah,” Ian whispered, massaging his temples. “I married a fucking idiot, a literal idiot.”

“You quoting Bad Boys? Look it's not rocket science alright? The guy has to like… jizz in the woman and it goes in her and… why the fuck are you making me say this in front of the kid? This is fucking embarrassing,” Mickey snapped, pushing back from the table and lighting a smoke. Ian looked at the other man with sympathy, his eyes flicking to the teen momentarily who looked slightly uncomfortable. Ian reached out for the other man, taking his hand in his and smiled at him reassuringly.

“Because Yev needs to be informed. I'm too old to be raising a baby- “

“You're 31, man.”

“The point is,” Ian cut in. “if Yev is informed, I hope he’ll make smart choices.” The redhead looked to the teen and smiled warmly, “if you don’t, then we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it but I’ll rest easier knowing that we gave you all the information we could.”

“Ok,” Mickey grunted, returning to his chair, “what else do you wanna know?”

“Can you have too much sex?”

“Ha! I wish!” Mickey laughed, seeming to be enjoying the conversation for the first time that afternoon.

“Too little?”

“There is no specific amount Yev,” Ian assured, “just whatever works for the couple. Normally early in a relationship its more often because everything is new and exciting then it evens out. Some couples don’t have sex at all.”

“Fucking shoot me if that ever happens.”

“How often do you have sex?” Yev asked, genuinely curious.

“All the ti-“

“Absolutely not,” Ian cut off, staring down the other man who looked bored by the conversation now. “it is not an appropriate question to answer Yev.”

“Oh ok. Um, what if the girl is on her period?”

“I'm out,” Mickey said, getting up from his chair and leaving the room.

“If I knew it was that easy, I would have brought it up earlier,” Ian groused. Ian rolled his shoulders as he prepared to continue this conversation solo. “there’s no rule against period sex. I have no experience with it but from what I've heard it’s incredibly messy, so its best if you avoid it.”

“Do I just leave her alone when she’s on her period? Like my friend’s dad said he goes fishing when he’s wife’s ‘on the rag’, whatever that means.”

“No Yev, most girls are fine and know how to handle it.”

“Ok so if she’s on her period, I've heard people talk about… anal. Is that a thing?” Yev asked, whispering the question like it was a conspiracy.

“Oh, it’s a thing,” Mickey chuckled, walking back into the room, a huge grin spreading over his face. He sat down next to his son then smirked at Ian, “I’ll answer this one.”

“You are not mature enough to answer this question,” Ian snarked, which earned him the middle finger from the other man.

“Anal is… it’s just great man,” Mickey said with a dreamy expression.

“But doesn’t it hurt?”

“If you're an idiot,” Mickey chuckled, “lube is your friend but I'm good with plain old spit.”

“Like all of it Yev, being prepared is key,” Ian said, stepping in, as he side-eye the other man, wondering why he felt the need to disclose information about their sex life to their son. “but it’s not for everyone. It depends on a lot of factors, depends on the couple, depends on how active or adventurous their sex lives are, some gay couples don’t have anal sex.”

“How fucking boring,” Mickey muttered, distracting himself by playing with the ashtray on the table.

“Is there anything else Yev? I think if you have any more questions, you should write them down and we can have another chat whenever you want,” Ian said.

“Just one, what does sex feel like?”

“Feels pretty fucking good,” Mickey nodded to himself in thought and Ian had to agree.

“But _what_ does it feel like,” Yev stressed.

“What part exactly?” Ian asked curiously.

“Like all of it.”

“Well,” Mickey said thoughtfully, scratching his eyebrow. “it's kind of hard to explain, for me it’s just this feeling of warm, fullness that just feels so damn good especially when you are with someone that you care about. Then there is building tingling sensation that starts in your toes that makes them curl, then it travels through your whole body and you feel it’s just-“Mickey look over to his husband who had dark, lust-filled eyes. “Yev go for a walk around the block.”

“Why?”

“Because I said so.”

“Are you gonna have sex?” Yev said in disgust.

“Get out shithead,” Mickey told, shooing him dismissively with his hand as he sighed dramatically, getting up and leaving the house. Once they were certain he was gone, Ian grabbed his husband’s hand and dragged him to the bedroom, interested to see just how much he had been paying attention.

* * *

Two weeks later, Ian was sitting on the couch, his feet propped up on the coffee table with Mickey’s head in his lap, gently stroking the brunette’s hair as they watched a Jackie Chan movie. Mickey wanted to watch a Steven Segal movie, Ian wanted a Van Damme movie, they compromised so that neither of them were happy.

The couple turned their heads when they heard the front door open then close. Yev walked into the loungeroom looking sheepish and Mickey smirked knowingly.

“How’d the date go?”

“Good, good, really good. Night!” Yev said, turning on his heel and walking away.

“Aye!” Mickey called him back. Yev skulked backed into view, avoiding his parent’s eyes, “how did the date go?”

“I um took your advice, big coat at the cinema, works well,” Yev said, his face turning red.

“Aw dude, I'm so proud,” Mickey said getting up from the couch and pulling his son into a bear hug.

“We didn't like, go all the way but I listened to your advice, I respected her boundaries, we were safe and we both had fun.”

“That’s great Yev, I'm proud of you, you’ve turned into such a wonderful young man,” Ian said earnestly, then looked to his husband, “hey we should go to the movies.”

“Bitch why? I have a house. I'm not going to spend $50 for a movie that I won’t watch, overpriced popcorn only to get some half-ass hand job in the back of the movies when I can get that here for free.”

“Excuse me, half-ass hand job?” Ian asked, offended by the accusation.

“Here we go,” Mickey muttered.

“Anyway,” Yev cut in before the pair could get too out of hand. “my teacher overheard me telling some of the guys the things you told me and was impressed with what I knew. She asked where I learnt it from and I said my dads told me some things. My teacher is going to call you and ask if you would be interested in teaching a class.”

“Guess I could find some time,” Mickey said thoughtfully.

“Not you, dumbass,” Ian said rolling his eyes.

“I taught Yev just as much as you did.”

“Keep telling yourself that.”

“Anyway,” Yev cut in his parents' bickering, “I'm gonna go to bed. Go call my… girlfriend, make sure she got home alright.”

“Oh, Yev’s got a girlfriend- fuck ow, damn Gallagher!” Mickey winced as he clutched his foot from where Ian had stomped on it.

“Goodnight Yev,” Ian said, pressing a kiss to his son’s temple. Mickey hobbled over and hugged him before the teen retreated to his bedroom. Settling back on the couch, Mickey smiled up at his husband, taking his hand, playing with his wedding ring as he sighed contently.

“He’s a good kid.”

“He’s a great kid,” Ian agreed.

“I think we could teach a kick-ass Sex Ed class.”

“They wouldn’t let you on school grounds.”

“Probably,” Mickey snorted. He sat there playing with Ian’s fingers lightly before a thought occurred to him and a wicked grin overtook his face. “So, that package I ordered arrived today. We could go test out those dental dams, figure out how the fuck they work?”

“Come on Spiderman,” Ian laughed, letting the excitable man lead the way.


	2. Chapter 2

..........

**Author's Note:**

> Tell me what you think!


End file.
